Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Happy Birthday, Preznit!

I'm sorry this is a bit late in the day, but my keyboard died over the weekend, and I only just now got a replacement -- a cheap, plastic model with a weird clackety action that feels a bit like I'm trapped in Fort Zinderneuf as hostile Berbers close in, desperately tapping out messages on a PlaySkool My First Telegraph Key. Be that as it may, it's an auspicious occasion, the birthdate of one of our nation's most believed chief executives, and since Congress has not seen fit to make this a Federal Holiday (thanks, no doubt, to systematic gridlock and the kind of political posturing and obstructionism of which both parties are equally guilty!), it falls once again to us, his friends at World O' Crap, to thank him for his service -- either here, with words, or in the gift shop of his Presidential Library, where you can declare your support by purchasing a lovely foam rubber keychain float for your bass boat, tastefully embossed with the Presidential Seal on one side, and the Articles of Impeachment on the other.

The man of whom I speak is, of course, preznit giv me turkee, perhaps America's finest Post-War preznit. In addition to his bold and decisive actions while in office, he's also had a distinguished post-preznidential career, and like Jimmy Carter, has dedicated himself to a life of service. Specifically, he started the revolt against the posting of Ann Coulter pictures on birthdays by disabling images on the blog. Only history can judge whether this gesture, or Carter's Habitat for Humanity, ultimately proved more beneficial for mankind.

Instead, this year we're going with two sexy, sexy people who share preznit's birthday. First up, Selena Gomez:
Who despite her apparent lack of clothes seems to be a nice, polite, well-behaved young lady who is simply trying to remind us to use sunscreen in order to avoid the heartbreak of shoulder freckles and late-life melanomas.

Next, Bobby Sherman:
Who despite his apparent lack of clothes also appears to be a nice young man with that Dry Look the kids are so keen on, and who seems to share Selena's concern for the long term health of our shoulder skin.

Anyway, as those who know him know, Preznit is a wise and witty commenter, a sincerely nice person, and a Crapper of long standing, so please join me in wishing him the very Happiest of Birthdays.

Now everyone join hands as we close with the traditional...
Sexy Birthday Lizard!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Idle Tongue is the Devil's Plaything Edition

RILEY:  Man, I have never been...so...Bored.

RILEY:  Borrrrrrrrr--



RILEY:  Hm.  I wonder what my nose tastes like...?

RILEY:  Yeah...This was a mistake...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

C.S.I.: Wingnut

To everything there is a season (turn, turn, turn), and a time to every purpose under heaven. For instance, in the early days of the Obama Administration, shrinks of varying authority and repute emerged from the nation's Strategic Analrapist Reserve to remotely diagnose the President with everything from narcissism to homosexuality to closed-head trauma. But as Ecclesiastes tells us, there is "A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together," so you can cast them again, and this time put your damn shoulder into it and try not to throw like a girl, ya big pansy!

In other words, times change, and but it's always a good idea to have rocks on hand. But it's not enough for a possibly defrocked family therapist like Robin of Berkeley to question Obama's mental health -- and thus his fitness to discharge the office of President -- because now, with impeachment in the air, you don't want to inadvertently corroborate his insanity defense. So farewell to psychiatrist-life coach Dr. Keith Ablow and diploma mill-certified "Policologist" Dr. Gina Loudon, and hello to self-appointed FBI profiler Andrew G. Hodges, M.D.
Before we begin, let's check out Dr. Hodges' bona fides. On the site HealthGrades, which is a kind of Rate My Professor for health care providers, Dr. Hodges scores 1½ out of 5 stars, which suggests that his psychiatric patients are deeply unhappy with him, and may help to explain why he's turned to diagnosing strangers from a distance.

Dr. Hodges is also a prolific author (the article above is basically an extended ad for his book, The Obama Confession: Secret Fear. Secret Fury) and according to his bio on Amazon:
ANDREW G. HODGES, M.D., is a board-certified psychiatrist in private practice. Previously he was assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Alabama School of Medicine. Dr. Hodges has helped pioneer a breakthrough to the brilliant unconscious mind, which he explained in his 1994 groundbreaking book The Deeper Intelligence (which he now calls the "super intelligence").
Previous names for Dr. Hodges' concept of the "super intelligence" include "supra-cranial mega cognition," "power-top dom brain," "penumbral percipience," and "J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs."
A noted forensic profiler
Noted primarily for his devotion to the art of hardcore "punk" profiling, that is, because unlike his colleagues who sold out to The Man and now profile for police departments or the FBI, Dr. Hodges rejects the lucrative but soulless pap of corporate profiling, and will only forensically profile on spec.
...he developed his technique, "ThoughtPrint Decoding,"
In addition to reading the minds of serial killers and U.S. Presidents, "ThoughtPrint Decoding" can also be used to produce lovely saddle-stitched photobooks for your grandma if she's not on Instagram.
by accessing the unconscious super intelligence of suspects during criminal investigations, basing his analysis on verbatim testimony, transcripts of police interviews, letters and emails created by the suspects.
You'll notice that Dr. Hodges' technique doesn't involve the tedium of actual investigation, like examining evidence or crime scenes, working with police, or interviewing suspects. Just Google up some news stories and solve a crime! It's what Nero Wolfe would have done if he'd had a better Internet connection.
He discovered a deeper moral compass which prompts people to always tell the truth--between the lines--in the special symbolic language of the subconscious.
It's like Wonder Woman's lasso of truth, except without the kinky bondage undertones.
 His work added a whole new dimension to the forensic science of psycholinguistics.
(Specifically, the Fifth Dimension, but the version after they replaced Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis, Jr.)
 Law enforcement authorities nationwide, including the FBI, have requested his expertise in cases ranging from the high-profile disappearance of Natalee Holloway in 2005 to the murder of JonBenĂ©t Ramsey in 1996.
So his claim to fame as a profiler are two unsolved murders. Shawn on Psych has a much better record than that and he admits he's a fake.
In addition to assisting criminal investigators, Dr. Hodges also applies his super-intelligence technique in the analysis of leaders who confess unconsciously when they are violating their deeper moral compass.
What with the lame power set and the feeble villains,  I'm pretty sure the adventures of Dr. Hodges would make for a really shitty comic book.

Okay, enough with the vetting -- let's get to the WorldNetDaily report by Bob Unruh (I don't know much about Mr. Unruh or his work, only that his name sounds like something that might be uttered by an uneasy Scooby-Doo).
A forensic profiler whose career has included work on the double-murder case against O.J. Simpson and the Natalie Holloway disappearance says Barack Obama is confessing he’s under enormous pressure and is “slipping mentally.”
Oh, he "worked" on the O.J. Simpson case, too! So let's amend his career stats: that's two unsolved murders, and one double homicide where everyone knew who the killer was except the jury.
Hodges, an expert who previously suggested Obama was revealing alarming ideas about martial law and described how the president wants “total gun control,” provided to WND an analysis of some of Obama’s recent comments, specifically those from speeches in Minneapolis in late June. 
“On June 27, he said that Republican inaction ‘drives you nuts … and it drives me nuts.’ He reveals his enormous internal pressure – far greater than his conscious mind knows.
Later, after a long day, Obama tripped himself up again when he rubbed his eyes and said, "Man, I'm dead," prompting Secret Service agents to immediately tackle him and apply defibrillator paddles.
“Appreciate his casual psycholinguistic reference to ‘madness’ in a deeper scarier way. Obama is warning us that he’s slipping mentally,” Hodges wrote.
Also, take extra precautions if you own horses, because just last week, while sitting down to dinner, the President threatened to eat one.
As he explains, “As a forensic profiler, I serve as a translator who decodes unique linguistic expressions that derive from a person’s deep unconscious, his super intelligence.”
Reminds me a bit of this fellow:
He said at the recent Minnesota speeches, Obama was under pressure from various groups over the “the IRS lying about ‘lost’ emails about persecuting conservative non-profits, the NSA spying on everyday Americans, Benghazi cover-ups, setting free five brutal terrorists from Club Gitmo to gain back a deserter” and “fostering the onslaught of unaccompanied illegal immigrant children on the southern border.”
Most people foster children, but Obama just fosters onslaughts. Probably a fear of commitment. Anyhow, now that I know the collective noun for groups of unaccompanied illegal immigrant children on the southern border, I'm gonna win sooo many bar bets...!
“Obama declared, ‘I’m not sure which of the things I’ve done they [Republicans] find most offensive,’” Hodges said. “Denial represents a classic way of telling the truth. A person rationalizes his behavior consciously – yet unconsciously he admits his actual actions. When we read through his denial confession, we can see that he really means ‘Deep down I’m sure of the many offensive things I’ve done to Americans.’ Note his word, ‘offensive.’ Secretly Obama confesses, ‘I’ve been on offense – to the extreme.’ It fits with reality – his behavior has been shocking, far beyond mere political fuss.”
Dr. Hodges: Verbally, I'm telling you that I'm a noted forensic profiler and an expert in psycholinguistics who's in touch with his deeper moral compass, but actually my super intelligence just really wants to grab your boobs!
On Hodges’ website, Steven A. Egger, associate professor of criminology at the University of Houston, Clear Lake, has written that Hodges’ technique is “becoming the cutting edge of forensic science.”
Say, that's awfully nice of Dr. Hodges to allow his own blog to be used by this Mr. Egger fellow to advance his "arguments" (which we now call "tongue baths"). His example is making me feel ashamed of my selfish unwillingness to be praised, so if any of you feel like writing something such as "World O' Crap is fast becoming the state-of-the-art in psychiatrist-related ribaldry, and your One Stop Shopping Location for invective, obloquy, epithets and unguents," I will graciously give you space on the front page.
Hodges also found that Obama was projecting. 
Well, I'm close to projecting vomit, so I've got to respect the Doctor's insights.
“First he denies what he’s doing – and then he attributes failure to others, not himself. His description of ‘others’ unconsciously fits his own behavior. Here is the proverbial log in his own eye, sins that he so glibly sees in those who oppose him,” he said. 
“First, we observe two repeated messages on June 27, ‘They don’t do anything…..They’re not doing anything.’ In reality he’s describing himself. Numerous Americans, on both sides of the aisle, have been alarmed by his habitual lack of assertiveness, his passivity, his leading from behind after events are well down the road, by his incessant golfing, fundraising and vacationing instead of doing his job. Understand passivity is his secret plan,” he wrote.
Now that's the kind of cryptanalysis Alan Turing could have pulled off, if only he'd had access to the modern miracle of ThoughtPrint Decoding. Alas, use of Dr. Hodges' techniques reveals that Turing was too much of a skirt-chasing horndog to ever really apply himself to anything so cutting edge.
Hodges continued, “In the June 27 speech Obama whined about opponents, ‘They don’t do anything except…call me names.’ In fact, he calls his critics names.
Unlike Turing's device, which required a room full of electromechanical rotor machines in order to decode secret messages, Dr. Hodges' technology requires only rubber and glue.
First he called them antagonistic do-nothings, then he called them phony scandal-mongers. Obama accuses his opponents of making up scandals. In so doing he confesses he’s a charlatan creating a bogus scandal to divert Americans from the truth. Let reality be the judge – new administration scandals confront us almost daily.”
And where are these daily scandals coming from? Obviously not from Republicans, who have never projected anything at the President and spend most of their time in quiet self-reflection, therefore Obama must be ginning them up himself. Man, that guy's head is a nest of snakes.
“To reveal his trademark passive-aggression in another projection he finally acknowledges anger, ‘They’re [Republicans] not doing anything – and they’re mad.’ Then he adds a powerful image to his confession further describing his fury. Remember, things said in jest are ideal for true super-intel confessions. Obama said, ‘With Secret Service, I always tease them, I’m like a caged bear and sometimes I break loose. And I’m feeling super loose today, so you don’t know what I might do.’” 
Hodges continued, “His terrorizing aggression surfaces more and more. He cannot contain himself nor his attacks. He is increasingly out of control – ‘super loose’ indeed.”
Hm! Okay, then...Obama claims he is a "super loose bear"...so if I'm applying Dr. Hodges' method properly, the President has just confessed to being a hairy, slutty gay man. Tom Colicchio fans take note.
“Read the tea leaves. The messages from Barack Obama’s super intelligence are utterly terrifying to those of us who understand what he’s saying between the lines.”
I think we'll leave the good doctor here, because reading between the lines of the tea leaves has given me a super headache.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Woman O' The Year!

Big news, everyone! Even though there's still five months to go, 2014's Woman of the Year has already been named, and according to reporter  citizen journalist blogger "Townhall Media's Marketing Coordinator" Rachel Williams, the winner is 26-year old Townhall monitor Katie Pavlich!

After being named "Blogger of the Year" by CPAC in 2013, and derailing Obama's re-election effort the year before that...

...this has to be considered quite the feather in her cap, even if the honor is bestowed by the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute, and is pretty much a naked attempt to juice sales of their annual Conservative Ladies cheesecake calendar.
Yesterday, the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute honored Townhall.com News Editor Katie Pavlich as the 2014 Woman of the Year. 
Despite the encomia listed above, some of you may have stubbornly refused to hear of this Year's Woman, but I can assure you that she does exist, and isn't a made up person like Donald Sutherland. (Not that Donald Sutherland isn't real, or is pretending to be a woman so far as I'm aware, but he does keep showing up in YouTube videos wearing Tom Wolfe's white suit and insisting he's the President of some bullshit country.)
The award ceremony also celebrated the release of Pavlich’s second book, Assault & Flattery: The Truth About the Left and Their War on Women , which is yet another example of her efforts to communicate a conservative perspective to those who rarely get the chance to hear an unaltered narrative. 
Katie's previous unaltered narrative was Fast and Furious: Barack Obama’s Bloodiest Scandal and Its Shameless Cover-Up (2012), which argued "Operation Fast and Furious wasn’t a 'botched' program. It was a calculated and lethal decision to purposely place thousands of guns into the hands of ruthless criminals. The guns weren’t accidentally misplaced or lost. They didn’t just somehow 'fall into the wrong hands' by mistake. The operation was a coordinated and planned effort not to track guns but to arm thugs south of the border for political gain."

Rumor has it that Katie's next book will unalter the narrative that Obama's foreign birth makes him Kenyan, when in fact it actually makes him a space alien, since Africa is overrun by chitinous E.T.s, as seen in the Dinesh D'Souza documentary, District 9.
After accepting the award, Pavlich took to the podium to address the crowd of ladies gathered at the Capitol Hill Club in Washington, D.C. 
You could hear a pin drop as the ladies listened in rapt attention to the untold stories left purposely out of history textbooks but brought to light in Assault and Flattery. 
This is clearly an important critique of modern politics, and as of press time has already received 18 reviews on Amazon, only two less than our book. So I predict that Assault and Flattery will dominate the national discussion the way Better Living Through Bad Movies did in the summer of 2006.
For instance, did you know the first Congresswoman ever elected was actually a Republican? 
I wonder if falling pins were still audible when Katie went on to tell the ladies that pioneering Congressman Jeanette Rankin was a Progressive Republican, putting her in the same boat as proto-Fascists Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft? Or that she attended the non-Randian-sounding New York School of Philanthropy, served the underprivileged as a social worker, and labored on behalf of voting rights. She was also -- and the truth can be hard, ladies, but the unexamined life is not worth unaltering -- a devout pacifist who voted against U.S. entry into both World War I and World War II.  I imagine by this point the previously pristine audio conditions for pin plummeting were getting a trifle muddy.

By the way, when I searched "first u.s. congresswoman" (because both Sheri and Doghouse Riley taught me to take any assertion of fact by a wingnut as a Pavlovian signal to hit the Google), this was the top result:

I have all the respect in the world for Congresswoman Rankin; I guess I just expected that a tough pioneer woman raised in the rugged wilds of Montana would look a bit more butch.
Unsurprisingly, the young ladies in the crowd were quite taken with Katie. “I love Katie Pavlich and am a big fan,” one of them said to me.
"But don't use my name, because I'm not supposed to come within five hundred feet of her. Say, would you mind giving Katie this shoebox?  It's got a glittery, heart-shaped card inside, some of my very best pubic hairs, and a dead lobster, but my Fed-Ex guy keeps 'forgetting' to take it."
When asking one young female attendee if she believed there was actually a war on women, she promptly replied saying, “I believe in the war on women – but it is actually coming from [the Left].”
I don't mean to teach Townhall to suck eggs, but when you're fingering someone for a heinous crime, it kind of undercuts your big reveal when the accused is in brackets.  This is exactly why I hate those old William Powell detective movies, where he'd announce the name of the murderer while making elaborate "air quotes."
Pavlich details this phenomenon in her book as she explores the sordid past of Hillary Clinton. In fact, the book features stories of Clinton defending child predators and rapists (and, no, we are not talking about Bill Clinton)
See, some comedians can pull off edgy rape jokes. Daniel Tosh could take a tip or two from the sexual abuse stylings of Rachel Williams, "Townhall Media's Marketing Coordinator."
...and not standing up for women throughout her quest to gain power.
Okay, this is blatant sexism, and speaking as a man, I am deeply offended. How come when a woman seeks office it's a "quest to gain power," but when a man does it, it's just "running for election"? Why do only women get their most ordinary professional activities described in terms usually reserved for supervillainry? Does it never occur to the media that maybe we'd like a little drama in our lives, too? How come we're always Daddy Day Care and never Doctor Doom? If the MSM wasn't so biased against men, my trip to Ralph's to buy Tapatio Sauce would be reported as "Clevenger's grim crusade to secure an incendiary weapon that will allow him to enhance the interrogation of his own taste buds!"
Katie responded to the honor saying, "I'm extremely humbled and honored to have been chosen by Clare Booth Luce as their 2014 Woman of the Year. As liberals continue to push their blind agenda and harm our country with poor policy choices, scandals, and outright lies, I’m urging conservatives to take a stand and speak the truth."
--adding, "Do as I say, not as I do" while performing a difficult double finger-cross behind her back.
"The American people, and young women in particular, can no longer afford to let the deceptive rhetoric of the left dominate the national dialogue," she continued. 
Wait -- I thought the Left was safely contained, now that we had it bracketed.
"It’s truly a privilege to continue to work with my conservative colleagues in creating a more powerful voice for our cause.”
Increased calendar sales.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Random Scenes of Hollywood

The "Georgia O'Keefe Meets The Time Tunnel" Edition.

Only in Hollywood would you find a pro-bulimia support group.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Flashback: Turn Your Crank to Swank!

I was combing through the Wayback machine, slowly reconstructing our archives, when I came across a forgotten Talmudic commentary from World O' Crap Chaplain, the Very Reverend J. Grant Swank, and it occurred to me that you heathens are probably in serious need of some spiritual counseling. So be seated, and open your hymnals...

[Originally posted by Scott on August 11, 2008]

Death to life 
As Jesus Christ gave Himself every minute to the Father agenda, so Jesus died out to His own zeal.. He was human, as we are human; therefore, He was tempted in all areas like as we. But He did not sin. He did not yield to the allurements of self-governance.
Remember kids, Democracy = Sin.
Jesus made certain that at every turn — especially when applauded by the masses for miracle producing — that He did not permit Himself to be fooled. He refused the forbidden fruit. He would not bite into that which was hanging on the forever tree in the center of the world’s garden.
I remember when my folks were landscaping the yard, my mom wanted to to plant forever trees in the front garden, but fortunately my dad convinced her to go with the Chinese maple and the weeping spruce.
Jesus allowed His very being to be baptized into a sanctified plot outside Himself. He would know nothing until it was revealed to Him.
Jesus was a big believer in spoiler alerts.
This same Jesus has become our Model.
And his swimsuit calender is selling extremely well.
He invites us to be baptized into the death to our own zeal.
Um, gee, I’d love to accept, but we've got this progressive dinner that night...
How many within the courts of religion are overcome with their own zeal? Their energy drives are at fever pitch daily. For what? For the praises. They even hunger for audience approval in the name of Jesus Christ. They have become accustomed, even addicted, to this explosive feeling of ego achievement.
Let me just say, Pastor, how very glad I am that you’re taking the time to expose these attention whores in one of your five daily columns posted on eight to ten different web sites.
The purpose of the cross is to teach this lesson of zeal submission.
Unfortunately, the WWE has ruled “zeal submission” an illegal hold.
Consequently, spiritual leadership must scour their motives to make certain that death to personal drive is real, that they have been baptized truly into the death of Christ in order to know His holiness in life.
God has already proven Himself two thousand years ago. Death was followed with life. Jesus was there to reveal it. Disciples saw and handled it.
Some people freaked, but the disciples, they were totally chill.
Life! “I am the. . .the Life.”
I don’t meant to be critical, but the guy spends three days in a tomb, nothing to do but rehearse, and he still forgets his line?
We then have hope. It is the believing that makes the glory possible. Faith is power in that it propels component into component according to heaven’s scheduling.
But reserve your components early, because heaven’s always overbooked for the Labor Day Weekend.
Yet we want to mix things up so as to be wiser than heaven. We have a plan and it should be thus and that.
Well I think it should be this and those, and I’m willing to schism over it!
We also have a calendar on which to pin the plan. Therefore, we bring this blueprint to heaven for heaven’s smile. We even beg for heaven’s approval. Sometimes we ask other believers to engage their intercessions with yours in order to convince heaven by our amassing numbers.
In other words, you've been cooking the books, and just praying that God doesn't send down the archaccountant Gabriel to audit you.
All this is “of the flesh.”
Our special tonight is Zeal Veal.
Indeed, the gracious God is kind in permitting certain glimmers of life even in the baptism to death. Jesus saw the life even while dying.. He saw the life come into the repentant thief’s eyes, then his soul. That was encouraging to Jesus even while tied to the tree.
Wait. I thought he was nailed to a cross…?
Jesus saw the tearful allegiance of mother Mary, crumpled at the cross’ hole in the earth. As Jesus, Son, looked on at mother’s woe, yet mother not leaving her Son to desertion, Jesus was consoled even while in the last agonies of Golgotha.
Lucky him. My mother would have gotten bored after half an hour and gone home to drink Riunite and watch The Dinah Shore Show.
Jesus saw the Roman soldier begin to move away from a callused empire-loyal heart toward recognition that the hanging One might be the long-awaited Messiah.
Yeah, but the Roman soldier thought the same thing about the dangling cat in that "Hang in There, Baby" poster.
There is the newness of life budding even now in your distress. See it. It is there. Then it vanishes.
Newness of life is clearly fucking with you.
At least in this brief time frame, there is more for you to learn from the awful cross cut into your soul’s shoulder.
So, my soul is into self-harm. That's a relief, I thought it was bursitis.
Nevertheless, the newness is birthed where you are now. It will come into full life in heaven’s calendar. 
Have faith. 
It is true just as it was true in the biography of Jesus Christ.
I’ve got to stop watching A&E. It’s starting to make no sense whatsoever.