Monday, December 5, 2016

Scenes From a (Geeky) Marriage

SCOTT:  Oh oh...

MARY: What's the matter?

SCOTT: I don't know if this is good news, or bad news...

MARY:  What?

SCOTT: Says here George Lucas saw Rogue One...and he loved it.

(LONG PAUSE)

MARY:  I see your dilemma.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Happy Birthday Actor212! I Got You a Parade!

Today is the natal anniversary of our old friend Carl (alias Actor212), working thespian, thoughtful writer, and comic commenter par excellence. Carl can be found many places -- in the laughter of little children, in the gentleness of animals, in various filmed segments on Saturday Night Live, in his own blog Simply Left Behind, and in our comment threads, which he has been bedazzling with the Ronco Rhinestone & Stud Setter of his mind since Dinah Shore Ruled the Earth, if I may borrow a title from Christopher Durang and Wendy Wasserstein. And why not? They're New Yorkish, and so is Carl, for he is a man who has traveled every inch of every borough that isn't Staten Island by bicycle.

And not only is Carl warm, witty, and frighteningly huge, he's also kind enough to celebrate his birthday on or about the date of the Hollywood Christmas Parade, so I've got something to write about besides what a great guy he is. And he is, don't mistake me -- I'm not just saying that because he could snap me in half like a balsa wood kite stave.

Anyway, I did what I usually do every holiday season: wandered around the staging area of the parade and looked at half-flaccid balloons, then got the hell out before the paraders started parading.  But by taking a few photos and placing them in cunning proximity to the first two paragraphs of this post, I can make it seem like we went to the trouble of throwing a parade in honor of Carl's birthday! (Shhh! Nobody tell him! I'm hoping if I can get the hang of this fake news thing, I can land a highly paid journalism gig with a Macedonian teenager.)

Things were getting rambunctious even before the event started, with a gassy penguin saluting Gumby's ass. Now I'm no expert, but Gumby has always struck me as having rather a flat ass, rather than a Dat Azz!, but to each his own.

It's Clifford, the Big Red Hindenberg!

Overly zealous members of the military shout "hoo-rah!" and force the pirate balloon to drop and give them twenty.

A CDC Rapid Response Team is dispatched to treat and quarantine a group of young women suffering from a sudden outbreak of kawaii.

Clifford viewed from the perspective of the setting sun, and through the local eyesore Mary has dubbed "the Migraine Monument".

And finally, even if your legs are oddly deflated, that's no reason you can't still ogle Gumby's disappointingly concave ass.

But enough of the brobdingnagian effigies looming over Hollywood Boulevard, let's serve the cheesecake!
Loretta Young in Play-Girl (1932) "She wanted love in the worst way--and she got it!"

Sadly, this photo seems to have driven our Sexy Birthday Lizard to a somewhat inappropriate response...

Dude! Stay in your lane, please.

And please join me, won't you, in wishing Carl a very happy birthday.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Pre-Friday Beast Blogging: The Kitnappers Edition

MOONDOGGIE: I've taken your underpants hostage! If you ever want to see them again, you'll leave a bag of Whiskas Crab & Tuna Flavor Treats at the southwest corner of the couch. Come alone, or else. And you better hurry...your pants are warm and fluffy and April Fresh from the dryer, but if I see one cop, I'm horkin' up a hairball into the crotch!

SHADOW: Wait...We're allowed to kidnap underwear? Why didn't anyone tell me during Orientation? That really seems like something that should'a been in the Employee Handbook.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Hear No (Okay, Some) Evil

Hey guys, Episode 20 of The Slumgullion is out! And boy is that a confusing sentence for people who subscribe through iTunes and know the show actually came out on November 18. So I'm late with the announcement, but then the show was also late, and I like the carpet to match the drapes, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, it's a Very Special Episode, featuring Special Guest Stars who are universally known and loved, at least by those who followed the old All-Star Summer Jamboree (ASSJAM) podcast, where I started as but a lowly intern. Check it out.
The Slumgullion Episode 20 “Peter Hooten is an Earthbound God”
Starring Scott Clevenger and Jeff Holland
Special Guests: Mary Clevenger, John Szura, Blanche Ramirez and ?
Music by Lynn Ahrens
You may have thought the recent election is the most surprising thing to ever happen, but this episode actually has it beat.
It’s the New Movie Crew (Coming right at you!)! Today’s topic: Doctor Strange.  Scott, Jeff and Mary handle the non spoiler discussion after Jeff proves he knows very little about Harry Potter.  There is an educational break.  The SPOILER discussion of Doctor Strange features Scott, John, Blanche, and two immortal alien stoners.
That’s right!  THE ORIGINAL MIKE AND IKE ARE BACK!
Although they’re not really here, as you’ll hear.
Strap yourselves in, nuggets.  This is an E Ticket.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Monday, November 7, 2016

Last Pre-Apocalypse Podcast!

Just time for one more episode of The Slumgullion before the free fall of Western Civilization reaches terminal velocity (assuming the worst on Tuesday) and leaves behind a continent-wide stain that vaguely resembles -- when seen from space -- Pepe the Racist Reddit Frog, thereby providing both a suitable grave marker, and a kind of quarantine warning for future alien explorers.

But we can at least take pride in going out on a high note, with a show that features World O' Crap staff writer Hank Parmer. Hank brings his wit, Southern charm, remarkably loud background cats, and years of experience as a student of films good, bad, and terrible.

And because Hank's definitive exegesis of Frogs inspired Jeff to write Frogs: The Musical, my podcasting partner has kindly consented, or condescended, to sing a new song from the show. Sadly, it's not the ode to Sam Elliott's penis, but it's still pretty good.

Finally, in the Unknown Movie Challenge we take on a terrifying (to me, anyway) school of film: the Made-for-TV movie. This week the Movie of the Week is the 1972 classic(?) Gargoyles, featuring some interesting early creature work from SFX genius Stan Winston, and some interesting hair from decaying matinee idol Cornel Wilde.

I'd never seen the film before (I assume it came on after my bedtime), Jeff hadn't seen it in years, and Hank saw it when it first aired on ABC, so there's a plethora of conflicting opinions and emotions, and a fair nuumber of laughs. Please check it out:

The Slumgullion Episode 19 “No One Mentioned Spike Lee”


And in case you missed it, the long awaited (by me, anyway) audiobook version of Better Living Through Bad Movies is now available, featuring new bonus content. Here's all the details.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to the liquor store before it's all barricaded and bristling with shotguns like the lonely farmhouse in a zombie film.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Happy Birthday to...US!

Not the United States, I mean us. We few, we happy, although often clinically depressed few, who have birthdays in October, and don't receive the recognition we're due because Scott -- who's one of us, and yet betrayed us! Dolchsto├člegende!  -- can't organize his time well enough to hold down a job and blog at the same time. Pretty pathetic.

Oh well...In the miserable bastard's defense, I will say that the job he's taken on, while temporary, is also an exacting and time-consuming one, and with a single exception, he's been working seven days a week since September 20th. And I ought to know, because that plucky young man is...

Me.

Now you know...the rest of the--

Hang on, I'm getting a call from M. Night Shyamalan. I better take this...

Uh-huh...Uh-huh. Right. Yeah. Okay, thanks. Nighty-night, Night! [click!]

Hoo boy, did he read me the riot act. Wow...

Okay. To sum up, I guess I'm not going to try and add a signature twist ending to every blog post, because apparently that way lies madness. And despair. And abysmally, albeit predictably, poor box office receipts. So I guess I'll just press on. What the hell was I talking about...?

Oh, right! Natal anniversaries that come just as the first fingers of frost shyly caress your pumpkins. We've missed a whole bunch of them so far, so let's recap.

Previously, on World O' Crap:

Dr. BDH, Wo'C Chief Medical Office celebrated his birthday on October 4th. I assume some sort of balloon was involved. Possibly a barium punch.

On October 11, Joanna, better known in the blogoworld as Anntichrist S. Coulter, endured her birthday, and it wasn't all that great according to my informants, so please give her a laurel and hearty hand job clasp in the comments.

On October 18, KWillow had a birthday in Superior Court, in and for the County of Los Angeles. In a moments, the results of that birthday.

[Dragnet march. Mug shot of KWillow. Superimposed title: "Convicted of Malicious Kindness and Aggravated Wit. Now serving 3-5 cupcakes, without possibility of profiterole."

Cut to Jack Webb for Fatima cigarettes.]


November 1, the birthday of fellow Hollywoodian Chris Vosburg, the Renaissance Dutchman, known for his encyclopedic knowledge of things you can't find in the encyclopedia. So maybe he can explain THIS:
Skinless weiners?! Why is that good? How does that even work? And assuming it's true, as Jean insists, why is Ted here so happy about it?

Look, just leave the skin on, okay? Otherwise you'd have to use some kind of brush-on sealant to keep the meat from falling apart the instant you get it between the buns, and I don't want anybody varnishing my weiner!

On November 2, Zombie Rotten McDonald celebrated his birthday, although I'm not sure you're still entitled to cake and presents after you're dead. Seems like double-dipping to me.

Rather than bake a cake, since I don't know if he has a sweet-tooth, I got a condiment to spice up all his table fare:


And today, November 5, is the actual, I'm-not-late-for-once birthday of Li'l Innocent -- keen observer of feline-anthropoid relations, and illustrator of my all time favorite comic book that I never actually got a chance to buy and slip into a Mylar bag and then sell for an unconscionable mark-up on eBay.

And hey, it's such a nice day out, let's not stay indoors and eat cake and drop clothespins into milk bottles or play Pin the Tail on the Donkey -- let's get out into the fresh air. So to celebrate, I'm taking us all to the racetrack!


Welcome to the 2016 Breeder's Cup. First up, the Juvenile Fillies Turf, for two year olds. In the lead is Santa Baby, followed by Berber From Gerber, with National Arrowroot coming up on the inside!

Come onnnnnn, Santa Baby! Baby needs a new pair of baby booties!

Please accept my apologies for the tardiness, and also this stunning, suitable for framing Sexy Birthday Lizard!
"Drink me in, folks!"

Please join me in wishing a very happy and very belated birthday to Dr. BDH, Anntichrist S. Coulter, KWillow, Chris Vosburg, zombie, Li'l Innocent, and...Me.