Friday, August 21, 2015

The Boss is Out of Town, and We've Gone CRAZY!

"Look gals, I know it ain't The Fleischmann's Yeast Hour, or Texaco Town, but podcasting's still in its infancy as a medium -- it'll get better. In the meantime, we can listen to these two jerks..."

Yes, it's time for another All Star Summer Jamboree, but this week things are a little different in the studio, since my co-host Jeff went to see a...let's call it a movie...and is now in a coma. As it happens, I went to see the same..."movie," let's say...but I'm fine, because I've seen so much Hollywood crap that I've developed a protective blister like the Martian war machines in War of the Worlds, except my blister is made out of futility, despair, and whatever actual blisters are made of.  Skin, I guess.  Or maybe I've developed giant protective corns.  Anyway, the point is that no crappy summer blockbuster can harm me, because I'm encased in a full-body Plantar's wart, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna take it lying down. And since I'm running the show this week, I called up the bullpen and asked them to send in a veteran fireballer to serve up a little chin music.

So if you have a little time, please click the link below, and listen to me talk with a guy about a thing (and about a thing without a thing).
AssJam Episode 64: "Late to the Party" 
Starring Scott Clevenger and ? 
Music by Josiah Yareff and Ralph Raymond Hayes 
Join our esteemed Mr. Clevenger and a special surprise guest for a discussion of the most important film of 2015

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Happy Anniversary, You Pile O' Crap!


Today, August 20th, 2015, is the twelfth blogiversary of World O' Crap, with all the infamy that implies. Readers who've boned up on their Emily Post know that silk and linen are the traditional gifts for a year twelve anniversary, but don't just go to Mood and then heave a bolt of fabric at us -- that doesn't make it seem special! -- add some closures and notions; jute-covered buttons, say, or a Knit Picker. But since none of us here sew (well, s.z. might, but I doubt she has time; with all the animals she's constantly rescuing and nursing and fostering, every day of her life is like Noah's worst day on the Ark), allow me to pass on some ideas for making these materials useful to the modern consumer.

Happy-Anniversary.com lists not only the Traditional Gifts (silk, linen), but the Alternate Traditional (pearl) and the Alternate Jewelry Materials (opal, jade). More important, it provides helpful, expert-endorsed suggestions and sources for putting a contemporary twist on these ancient consolation prizes, and I've compiled our favorites into the Official World O' Crap Twelfth Anniversary Wish List:

Silk Gifts:

High quality realistic silk flower arrangements:  This actually seems like something more appropriate for a 60th anniversary, along with "adult diapers" and "one hard candy wrapped in a Kleenex and forgotten at the bottom of Grandma's purse," but as blogs go, we're gettin' up there, so why not?

Teddy bear holding a silk flower:  Again, this seems more like something you'd give to a terminally-ill child, since it doesn't seem to say "Happy Anniversary!" so much as "No, I can't hit a home run for you, please stop asking."

Silky Lingerie:

Heh, heh! Now we're talking...!

Spicy silky lingerie:  Huh. Well...okay, although that sounds less like erotic undergarments and more like an entree at a Chinese restaurant.

Plus-size lingerie recommended by Oprah:  All I need to do is shimmy into my cotton-poly blend boxer briefs with the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval and it's gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight!

Linen Gifts:

Pillows and throws in international designs: Nothing says "It's been twelve wonderful years" quite like a cushion in the distinctive shape of Moldova.

You know, I didn't see "corn silk" anywhere on that list, and that struck me as an obvious oversight. Admittedly, I didn't know exactly what "corn silk" was, and heydave wasn't around to ask, but I looked it up and apparently it's "[T]he styles and stigmas that appear as a silky tuft or tassel at the tip of an ear of corn." Well that certainly sounds sexy, what with the tassels and the tips and all, and goodness knows we could use a little more style around here. Plus, I long ago learned to live with the stigma. And best of all? It's "used as a diuretic in herbal medicine."

I think we've found our winner! (Especially since I also looked up "corn smut" and that wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be.)

So on behalf of s.z. and Mary, thanks for all your hilarious and thoughtful comments over the years, and for making World O' Crap one of your choices for blogs with the word "crap" in the url.  Happy anniversary to us, one and all!

Monday, August 17, 2015

Me and Mr. Jones

By Keith

I'm grateful to Scott C. for allowing me to announce an exciting new feature exclusively for World O' Crappers. Dropping in early September.

From here, to there, to hospital and perhaps beyond, your correspondent will cover exquisitely-constructed and recursively-linked bat-shit and bait-click conspiracy theories promoted by the One and Only Alex Jones, native of Austin, TX.

If you've not previously encountered Mr. Jones, he has a website titled Infowars and a daily podcast you can sample here. But why bother when I'll do the grunt work? You and your loved ones shall never trouble yourselves in the least.

August is never the best time for a product debut, but just to give a teaser, behold the "Alex Jones Conspiracy Convolution Matrix." It's based on a Chinese restaurant menu technique used by 60's print pornographers (also the editors at Fox Cable News). Mix and match ... it's easy. Create your own scenarios ... we'll merge them into a user database on github.



Thursday, August 13, 2015

Tissue? I Barely Know You.

Things have been going relatively well for Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson. He performed respectably at the recent debate, he's been rising in the polls, and unlike Donald Trump he can enter his house justified, since he doesn't pay an esthetician to hose him down each day with a proprietary mixture of mineral oil and finely ground Cheetos. However, all that may change, after the Washington Post reported that Dr. Carson was a receiver of those bootlegged baby parts that seem to tumble out of Planned Parenthood the way color TVs fall off the backs of trucks in New Jersey.

Here's the heartbroken, yet gamely tapdancing headline at LifeNews.com:
Ben Carson on Report He Did Fetal Tissue Research: I Didn’t “Kill Babies and Take Their Tissue”
"I Only Beat Up Babies and Took Their Lunch Money."
Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson addressed reports today that, decades ago, he conducted research using tissue from an aborted baby.
Two aborted fetuses, actually.  Not because Dr. Carson is a monster whose lust for cord blood can never be sated, but because he's a conscientious and thorough researcher, and because Fetus 'R Us was having a two-for-one sale.  Anyway, it was decades ago, and if he hadn't taken that baby's tissue back then, some other doctor would be removing it's prostate about now.
Carson said what he did is entirely different from the scandal at Planned Parenthood — where unborn babies are purposefully killed in order to use their body parts for research purposes.
Oh, that's why those women came to Planned Parenthood -- they weren't patients in need of abortions, they were farmers in need of help with the harvest.  "Cyrus, it's a bumper crop this year, an' we're gonna need us a hired man to help ya thresh mah womb."
Carson has been critical of not only the Planned Parenthood abortion business for selling aborted babies and their body parts for research, but he said defenders of that have oversold the benefits of fetal tissue research.
"So-called scientists have been experimenting with fetal tissue for years without perfecting it. When you blow your nose in it, it still just makes a big mess."

But I'm relieved that you can be critical of people and organizations for things they haven't actually done. Now when I criticize LifeNews reporter Steven Ertelt for putting a tentacle-shaped snood on his penis before he masturbates because he can only achieve a chub by thinking about hentai, I don't feel like I need to get bogged down in tedious minutiae like whether I just totally made that up and where he'd even get a tentacle-shaped dick snood even if it was true.

Hm.  Hang on...

Okay, turns out they're available on Etsy, which makes my criticism slightly more fact-based than Dr. Carson's, and therefore, less newsworthy.
Carson calls the reports that he conducted research with aborted babies “desperate.” He appears to say that there is a difference between what he did and what Planned Parenthood and others are doing and what he did. 
And he appears to say it like a character from an Ed Wood movie.
Carson said that “you have to look at the intent” of using fetal tissue.
This is indeed the crucial distinction. Carson -- and Planned Parenthood, for that matter -- intended the fetal tissue be used to further medical research. Mr. Ertelt intends to use fetal tissue as a renewable source of snood lube.
He appears to say there’s a difference between specifically selling, as in the case of Planned Parenthood, or buying, as in the case of Colorado State University, University of Wisconsin and Oregon Health and Science University, aborted babies for research and using fetal tissue for comparative research along with other tissue samples because the tissue was already available.
I sure hope Mr. Ertelt is available to interpret for Dr. Carson if he ever wins the presidency, or we won't know what the hell is going on.

PRESIDENT CARSON: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country!

MR. ERTELT:  He appears to say we should go to war with Iran. Also he appears to be angry that the West Wing break room is out of those little cheddar-flavored fish crackers...
“To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it,” Carson said. 
So basically, Ben Carson is the wimpy John Dall character to Planned Parenthood's murderous Peggy Cummins in Gun Crazy. You can almost hear him mutter, "I let you do my killing for me."

Speaking of regrets, our good friend Anntichrist S. Coulter was kind enough to use some of her brief online time at the public library to inform me I screwed up and forgot to write a post in honor of Mentis Fugit, whose birthday was yesterday. Which is a fairly egregious bout of pooch-screwing, as Mentis has been a great friend of the blog, as many an O.G. Crapper can attest. So please join me in wishing him a very happy -- if embarrassingly belated -- birthday.

First, the traditional three-layer cake consisting of fruit triangles and banana Flippers...

Then the obligatory old timey cheesecake photo (how about a bit o' Barely Legal Myrna Loy in a bathing suit?):

And last but not least, the customary Sexy Birthday Lizard!
(Since Myrna is rocking that flat-chested Flapper look, I thought we could go with a curvier lizard for once.)

Happy birthday, Mentis! And Ben? Best of luck at the next debate explaining the nuanced differences between villainous tissue donors and virtuous tissue recipients.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Like Our Friend the Bird, We Must Sometimes Vent

Stolen (with her kind permission) from Sheri's Facebook page:

I guess I've been reading too many pet ads, because it's getting to me today. So, I made up my own ads.

Free to Good Home
Loving, friendly, sweet 90-year-old woman. We are sorry to do this, because we really love her. She has been a good family member through the years, and has always been there for us when we needed her, but we just don't have time for her any more. Comes with a bottle of Ensure.

ISO Yorkie baby puppy
Must be house-broken, fixed, crate-trained, and able to be left alone all day while we are at work. Also, must be good with toddlers, because we want it as a birthday present for our 2-year-old. We love puppies, and would give it a great home! Free only, because we don't shop, we adopt.

For Sale, Pure Bread Adobeman Pincher
Not fixed, so you can breed dogs yourself! Not vaccinated, because it's only 4 weeks old. Eats dry food okay we think, because somebody is eating that Ol' Roy! Asking $800, because we are professional breeders.

Adorable Kittens!
Our cat had her third litter of this year, and they are so sweet! There are 8 of them, and you can have the mother too because we never really wanted her in the first place.They must go today, or we are taking them to the pound because we are tired of taking care of them. We think they are Bangles, so we are asking $25 each to make sure they go to good homes.

Moving, Must Sell Beloved Dog Rover
We are devastated to do this, but we are moving, and our new place doesn't allow pets. Yes, we were sad to learn that the town we are moving to is strictly for people, and no animals of any kind are allowed. They also don't permit children, so Bobby and Emily, are also for sale to good homes.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Duelist Edition

Moondoggie:  The time has come.  I challenge you to...

Moondoggie:  A STARING CONTEST!  One, two three, go!

Moondoggie: Did you start?  I started already.

Moondoggie:  (SINGING) Face to face, out in the heat/Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry...

Moondoggie: You know what? I forfeit.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Fasterbate!

I'm on deadline today, so I hope you don't mind if we revisit one of my favorite posts from the old site (originally published April 20, 2008):

Beat (Off) The Clock!

Finally, Abstinence Only sex education reaches its logical conclusion with this exciting new program!
You know, life is short, and masturbation is not the answer, especially when there’s a skeleton with a giant clock watching you wank, because, you know, talk about performance anxiety!
Just look around you, time is moving very fast without stopping ,
The clock is ticking are you listening to it?
Just look back when you were a child, was it far away in the distance past?


No, no it was almost like yesterday. Time is moving so fast that you can wake up and you will be 70 or 80 years old and without realizing it.
Life is very short.
Finally, find the truth about Masturbation and what you can do to stop it.
Learn how to make the most of your life now!
While you’re whacking off, Vietnamese moppets in Ho Chi Minh City are making our sneakers, Indians in Mumbai are processing our credit card payments, and Romanian IT guys are taking our tech support calls. In today’s fast-paced, global economy, you just can’t afford to take the time to masturbate, unless you’ve got some efficient, reliable porn that allows you to successfully rub one out while your bagel is toasting.
But let’s not panic. Perhaps you’re not one of those sorry wretches in thrall to the Goddess of the Manual Arts, squandering the precious moments of your life in a squalid, squelching slick of bodily fluids and artificial lubricants. But you’d better take the quiz just to make sure (check all statements that apply…)
I want to know the real effect on my health of frequent masturbation. Is it “ok” or does it really destroy my health, as I feel it does. I want to find a scientific answer to this, and if it affects my health negatively I want to know how to overcome it.
Sounds like you need the kind of scientific answers that only an e-book sold exclusively through a poorly spelled website can provide!
I am masturbating
As we speak? Man, you have got it bad!
and I feel inside my self that it is wrong , however I can’t stop doing it. After I masturbate I feel guilty I want to overcome this habit.
Well, it might ease your guilt if you didn’t dress like a nun whenever you beat off.
I have been masturbating for many years now
Congratulations old timer. Here's your gold watch and your Wet Nap.
and I want to get rid of this habit. I tried many times to stop it, but always, after a few days, I come back to watch pornographic content on the Internet and in movies. I have a sincere desire to stop it.
It's a tragic story, like Ray Milland in Lost Weekend, except with German MILFs and Crisco.
I masturbate often while watching pornographic sites on the net.
Yep. Sounds like you’ve grasped the concept all right.
I spend much valuable time which prevents me from doing other important activities. I feel that it is time to overcome the habit of masturbation.
If setting aside sufficient time to accomplish your goals is the issue, may I suggest you read The 7 Habits of Highly Horny People?
I want to know if it is a “good” or “bad” thing to masturbate.
Depends how you’re doing it. If you’re chafing, it’s probably “bad.”
I want to know with a scientific rather than a dogmatic explanation.
Dude, you are so making me hot.
After masturbation I feel exhausted , like I have lost my strength. I understand that this is not a positive situation, and I want to do something to overcome it.
If you’re winded after jerking off, time management may not be your biggest problem.
After I masturbate I become aggressive to my partner and often this leads me to destructive and negative actions. I am the cause of this, since after masturbating I become more anxious and nervous.
That must be an interesting household…
“Hi baby, I’m home.”
“Fuck off!”
“Wha–? Have you been masturbating?!”
“I…I don’t know what you–Augh!! Make the skeleton stop looking at me!!
I see successful people and want to become like them. I understand that I spend most of my time in masturbation and that they don’t and I am willing to take action to overcome this habit once for all.
“To begin with, I’m going to widen my stance…”
I want to watch pornographic content on the Internet all the time although I don’t masturbate.
I’m just a connoisseur of ass pimples.
I know inside myself that this habit is not a positive one because it is taking the time that I could use to do something which is more fulfilling and constructive.
Like listening to music with my speakers off.
But is masturbation really a problem? Especially if your mom doesn’t catch you?
The Problem of Masturbation
We live in a new era, it is a mass media era. You know how easy it is to access a free pornographic site on the Internet and in other mass media like TV, DVDs, video and magazines.
Still, we waste less time than those poor Victorians who couldn’t find a copy of The Pearl and had to beat off to Punch.
And you also know how easy this kind of viewing leads to masturbation.
This is why I never even glance at the big screen TVs when I’m in Best Buy. You just never know.
In 99% of all cases, this leads to dependency. It is impossible to overcome it, no matter how hard you try. In less than a week’s time after deciding to stop, you may be in front of your computer browsing for pornography again and masturbating. It seems to be a trap that you can’t escape from. Masturbation affects a person’s life negatively in the following ways:
  • Masturbation destroys your health
  • You waste your valuable time on masturbation
Actually, as any reader of this blog will tell you, my time isn’t really all that valuable.
  • Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
  • Destroys your marriage or your relationship with your partner
  • Makes you feel guilty after masturbation (inferiority complex)
“I’m a lousy masturbator. I couldn’t masturbate my way out of a damp grocery bag…!”
  • Creates a negative psychology that can affect your business life
“I was going to sign the contract, Mr. Stevens, but I just can’t help thinking that at some point, you’ve been swabbing the knob.”
  • Prevents you from making your life’s dream come true(since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
“You’re complaining about masturbating 8 hours a day? Why, when I was a kid, I had to quit school in the fifth grade and start masturbating to help my family. I jerked off 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and you think that was easy? We didn’t even have internet porn in my day! Why, all I had to work with was a brief glimpse of a dowager’s ankle as she stepped into a brougham!”
  • Successful people are not addicted to the habit of masturbation simply because they spend their time doing what is important for them and their loved ones and not in masturbationAre you willing to take the action and stop the habit of masturbation? orWill you allow this habit to destroy your life completely?Remember life is very short.How many times did you find yourself in a situation like this? When part of your self understood that this it is wrong to sit and spend hours of your unique valuable time browsing or watching pornographic films or websites, but at the same time you couldn’t do anything to avoid doing it?
    You feel and you know that it is not a good thing to do it, but still you are doing it.
And just remember that whenever you masturbate, somewhere there’s a skeleton with a huge Flava Flav clock timing you.

[Original comments below the fold]