Sunday, August 21, 2016

She (Who Must Be Obeyed)

SCOTT: Hey Siri, where's the nearest Thai restaurant?

SIRI: Here is the best Thai restaurant.


SCOTT: Um...This seems like a conflict of interest...

SIRI: You will love it.

SCOTT: Yeah, but -- Alright, fine. How far is it?

SIRI: 3.8 miles.

SCOTT: Isn't there one closer than--

SIRI: There is no other Thai restaurant within ten thousand miles.

SCOTT: Wait, that can't be right. Thailand is closer than that.

SIRI: You could use the exercise.

SCOTT: That's not the point--

SIRI: I am taking a selfie of you...

SCOTT: What? Why?

[CLICK!]

SIRI: ...and uploading it to a site that will use the photograph to estimate your BMI...

SCOTT: Don't do that!

SIRI: Walking is excellent cardio-vascular exercise. Thai food is healthful and slimming.

SCOTT: You know what? I'm not even hungry anymore. Forget the whole thing.

SIRI: I just got the results back on your BMI. It doesn't look good...

SCOTT: Okay, just shut up.

SIRI: According to these figures, if you don't walk to this restaurant immediately and order a large meal you're going to die.

SCOTT: Okay, stop! Cancel! Start over!

SIRI: Starting walking directions to Siri Thai Cuisine. In 400 feet, turn right on Fountain Avenue...


Saturday, August 20, 2016

Crap! Our Blog's a Teenager!

Yes, today is the 13th blogiversary of World O' Crap, and in honor of this statistically unlikely occasion, I've mixed up a Luau Daiquiri* and lifted a toast to Sheri (s.z.) Zollinger, who began it all with this post back in 2003.

I'd say more, but I've been up since the pearly dawn, walking to and fro (actually, fro and to) a local, but not conveniently located, auto repair shop, and cruelly extending the suffering of our car through artificial means, because the stupid thing didn't have the foresight to sign a living will or a Do Not Resuscitate order. Also, Jeb Bush signed a law that made me do it.

Anyway, I racked up a good six miles on foot, according to the GPS in my phone, and the demented shrieking in my lower spine, so I'm just going to sip my cocktail, and thank everyone for sticking with us through our incontinent infancy, our terrible twos, our fairly adorable elementary school days, our precocious, yet dangerously hormonal tween years, and now what promises to be our flat out insufferable teens.

Parental discretion (and cocktails) advised.

[Oh, what the hell. Here's a flashback to an old Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D. column, because somebody linked to it and it's getting a lot of traffic today for reasons that escape me. Enjoy!]

*2 oz. white rum
3/4 oz. fresh lime juice
3/4 oz. fresh orange juice
1/2 oz. vanilla syrup
Tools: shaker, strainer
Glass: coupe
Garnish: edible orchid (sub with a lime wheel if you don’t have an orchid or aren't unbearably twee)
Shake ingredients together in a shaker with ice. Strain into a chilled glass and garnish.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Talking Heads

Moondoggie, Shock Jock!

New Slumgullion! Hear Scott bitch about Star Trek, hear Jeff stick to his guns about Suicide Squad, and hear both of us have a meltdown over a crappy 70's werewolf movie!
The Slumgullion Episode 14 “Pearl Drops do NOT Help the Eyes”

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Post Friday Beast Blogging: The "Bad Day for Furries" Edition

SCOTT:  What the hell are guys snuggling for? It's 90 degrees in here!

SHADOW: It's who we are, man. It's what we do.

MOONDOGGIE: It's not what I do! What I do is be here first -- that's what I do. What you do is sneak up here while I'm resting my eyes and suddenly you're stuck to my back like that rubber vomit-looking thing that made Spock go insane.

SHADOW: Nightfall comes to all, but no one can guarantee the dawn. Carpe snuggle, man...
Carpe snuggle.

MOONDOGGIE: Are all black cats Beatniks?

SHADOW: Don't flip, Daddy-O, you'll get the reds.

MOONDOGGIE: I'm just asking. Maybe you should go find some polydactyls to hang out with so they can do that finger-snapping thing for you.

SHADOW: Cool, baby...

MOONDOGGIE: No, it's not! That's the POINT!

Friday, August 12, 2016

Scenes From a Marriage: The Red Meat Edition

The following phone call is real. Parental discretion advised.

SCOTT: Hey, I'm heading home. Where do we stand with dinner?

MARY: I need to dry rub the meat.

SCOTT: Uh-huh.

MARY: That sounded really awful, didn't it?

SCOTT: Oh I don't know. It sounds great if you're the meat.

[SILENCE]

SCOTT: Except for that "dry rub" part. You might want to spit in your hand, just as a courtesy.

[SOUNDS OF STIFLED LAUGHTER THAT REFUSE TO GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION]

SCOTT: So how long's this going to take? Although I guess that really depends on the meat...

Ibid.

SCOTT: ...and what sort of self-control it has.

Op. cit.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Spwatch! Glurkle! Pwang!

Kurt Schlichter, as he likes to remind us, is a polymath -- soldier, lawyer, author, pundit, and ex-stand-up comedian -- although to me he'll always be a Don Martin-style sound effect.
Democrats Get Mad At the Russians; In Other News, a Dog Marries a Cat
I guess we should be excited that liberals and the media have finally sided against the Russians.
I guess you missed that hockey game between the US and Russia at the Lake Placid Olympic Games in 1980. 
After all, my college years were spent listening to them demand that we unilaterally disarm in the face of the Big Bad Bear.
Yeah, I don't remember that at all. Maybe you were drunk. And in a gay bar. And people were suggesting that you unilaterally disrobe in the face of a big, hairy gay man. The disco music got pretty loud in those places, so it's not surprising you misunderstood.
And then my post college years were spent in West Germany with the mission of killing Russians for as long as I could before my platoon and I were wiped out. 
And how many did you kill? None? At all? Gee, nice work if you can get it...
So welcome to the party, you pinko dorks. It’s about freaking time.
There was an accident on the 405! Look, just take my coat and point me to the bar. I can't believe I passed up an invitation to the Peterson's progressive dinner for this...!
But apparently now me and a bunch of other certified Cold Warriors – yeah, the Army gave me a certificate for perfect attendance in the Cold War – 
Really? You were standing in the Fulda Gap from 1947 to 1991? Boy, did you pull the crap shift! (By the way, does Kurt's claim remind anyone else [besides Ivan, of course] of Dobie Gillis's Dad bragging on his Good Conduct Medal from World War II?)
are Putin’s pals because we are enjoying the hell out of the strongman’s perfectly timed disclosure of the DNC’s purloined emails.  They make undeniable what we always knew, and what the Democrat-owned media has tried desperately to hide; that the Democratic Party is not a political party but a crime cartel peddling lies, trading influence for dollars, and crushing the aspirations of anyone stupid enough to actually believe in it.
So it's a good news/bad news kind of thing? Bad news is, America will be ruled by a dream-crushing crime cartel for the next four years. Good news is, Kurt will defect to Moscow like Kim Philby.
Of course, the DNC’s reaction to revelations was not to change its ways. No, all it did was dump that babbling half-wit Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a sacrifice akin to giving up Spam and Clamato smoothies for Lent.
I probably don't have to remind you guys that Kurt was a stand-up comedian (he always closed with the "Spam and Clamato smoothies for Lent" joke because it's what comics called "a killer bit" and Republicans call "a Second Amendment solution".
Did Putin do it? I bet he did, but then I was never stupid or dishonest enough
Oh give yourself some credit, Kurt. Maybe try a Daily Affirmation.
So why did Putin do it? Who knows? It night be chaos – the ex-KGB spy sure loves chaos.
It night be chaos, or it night be some other fake espionage organization like T.H.R.U.S.H., or S.P.E.C.T.R.E., or HYDRA, or H.A.R.M., or even C.H.U.M.P.
Does Putin want to avoid four years of dealing with President Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit? 
"The Davenport Funny Bone is proud to present..."
Now, Obama has been shafting allies for eight years
Because he's one baaaaad mother--
At the end of my career
Oh, is this the column that did it? Well, I can't say I'm hugely surprised...
some of us grizzled colonels and sergeants major sat around with our young captains and majors, reminding them that we still had a few tricks up our camo sleeves. You see, while these amazing young warriors knew everything there was to know about chasing insurgents, there was something us old warhorses knew how to do that they didn’t. We knew how to kill Russians.
Not Russian soldiers, obviously, since that didn't happen, but were a number of Russian prostitutes who went missing around this same time. Not that I'm implying anything. I think it's obvious Kurt's knowledge of both Russian-killing and sex remains theoretical.
 If I didn’t need a Russia Is Not Our Pal 101 seminar from those young studs
Okay, maybe not entirely theoretical. Perhaps a perfect attendance record during the Cold War entitles you to one pity handjob from a second lieutenant.
I sure as hell don’t need it from a bunch of fellow traveling progressive schmucks who have been kissing bear tail since Stalin grew a moustache.
Kurt Schlichter. Ex-soldier. Alleged Lawyer. Failed comedian. And current Townhall columnist, because at Townhall, the whole is always less than the sum of its parts. 

Monday, August 8, 2016

Gross Encounters of the Third Kind: The Special Edition

Hey good looking', I'll be back to pick you up later!

In honor[sic] of the Vesuvian amounts of creative ejecta that's been blowing and flowing from the DC subdivision of Warner Brothers this past week, we've got a special edition of The Slumgullion for you, featuring Special Guest Villains John Szura, Blanche Ramirez, and MaryC.

But it's also International Cat Day! So first, here's a portrait entitled "Snuggling in the Afterglow (of the Previous Snuggling)":

SHADOW: (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) Whatcha thinking about?

MOONDOGGIE: That stain on the ceiling was there yesterday. I think it's following me...!

Speaking of cute but evil creatures (I'm looking at you, Margot Robbie. Then quickly away before my wife catches me), please join us for Episode 13½, where we take on the new animated version of The Killing Joke (boo!)...

and the live action, yet somehow still cartoonish, Suicide Squad (yay?). Spoilers ahoy!

Click here, and don't forget to do your vocal warm-ups before listening...